Welcome, girl, welcome here–I can’t begin to imagine where you’ve been. I say to myself easy as the tenderest words I teach women to speak. The dregs of tomato basil hot going down, float like a warm pat of butter melting on toast in the center of my stomach the savory still making contact in my throat. Even as I write this tap tap tap. For two hours I lay in bed, our bed, the one we bought together because my only appointments of the day cancelled and I could, lay there. Just lay. Be tender with myself, and warm. I love the pillows, the curious comfort they provide me, how they cushion my head. I love being there, alone, with him but him not there, same as the kids.
He has no heat but space heaters and runs them meagerly to keep down electric. In this way it is like being just out of college again, or in college. When we used to wear down coats while watching tv so the bills wouldn’t be too big. I take his dog out to run the empty corn field with the dried summer pokes and mats of spring green weeds. Empty against empty sky. The winter has been warm, warm at times as spring. Past the part of my conscience where this bothers me is a deeper place that feels like a thaw, and a guilty wish that winter was like this all of the time.
And so I write. Even though it has been some time. The red velvet icing creamy as a cloud you could cushion your head like a pillow on–hot coffee grey day. I have found my way, it squeaks out, and in response, I know, you have been long time in the dream…It is ok, it is ok, split ends and North Carolina, it is ok new I-phones for pre-teens aging grandparents and mom too long in Mexico, it is ok. Squeak, find your noise. Squeak I tell me, it’s ok. Trust that motion towards the tongue. Fingers going in unison getting it done.
All I wanted was to feel him and how when it comes it is like pink steam, a sauna with rose gold particles all over the vibrating air. I breathe I breathe I breathe ah god it’s so warm. I have needed this for so long. Baby mama will be gone a long time. I see the roller coaster I first ever ride, the one downtown across the street from the carny rides where I worked when we first met. It is, that–the backward momentum then being held there midair, ready to scream.
But also, it is the so much more, the city lights at dusk the pressing sea foam white like fingers of God stretching serenity just within reach, the island behind me that all the time always there calm.
It is the view from up there, holding it all together while breathless I also just enjoy the ride.