quietude is good

Last night this man plays guitar for me and i am tired enough to go home in his arms and sleep all night, too, in spite of snores that rip reality in half if i am all the way awake, and that is how i know i love him, too.  The way we sleep.

I am a romantic and fall in love f a s t.  I also am a man-eater and make men love me.  I do not know what to think of who I am when I am loving him.  It helps not to and just show up and dazzle on the dizzy beauty of where I live, especially when the fall on delmarva is blue and spinny and ripe still with mudflat mild.  Life is good.  I can walk with my feet on the earth with him too which is different for me.  And that is because he works fucking hard.

Harder than me and that’s rare.  I am working on my ego and as always, devastated by my hubris. This is separate. I feel it is an honest, fair assessment to say I work hard as fuck.  I am also having fun and not thinking about work at all and feeling the places in my soul that have worn thin and tired from working so hard and this happens because of him.  And in that, he feels like a cloud on day 3 of summer satiation just salt headed and feeling free.

Or he can.   It makes me ready for rest and long winter sleeps.  I took one last longing look at Laguna Beach in November and realized when I did it’s been months since I looked on that hashtag.  And my heart didn’t long with missing it.  My heart is more than satisfied living the life I love right here at home.  Which is my way of saying, damn I look forward to the future.

I am not so sure about the modern stories the rest of the world is so eager to look on and in doing so, cowrite.  That sounds judgmental and it is because I am, and that is part of the ego work I am curious with and deconstructing.  Mentioned above.

Quietly, quietly, lightly so~quietude is good.

 

what i am listening to, my new favorite jesus singers

always, always hanging around

In July I took off for two weeks. I was going to go to South America and then that changed, and I took myself instead to a Delmarva beach and pretended like I was shmeeshmee in Orange County again.

It occurred to me then that I needed a desk:  my life in the tall pines had become so much like my Laguna-Life, self-contained, witnessed, crafted and netted to my reality by dreams I’d hand-grown.  And I would breathe and my oxygen would be touched by Laguna Canyon dust and a tweak in my heart would pinch and I’d see my window plants there, the sunlight through my little hobbit house window dapple-dancing across my desk.

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pink!  south laguna secret spots

All this even though I was all the way away on the briny green mugged out MidAtlantic, wondering how the dog days of 2019 summer had already hounded me down.

So I got a desk over those two weeks off.  And it sat, and I went back to work and ran budgets and numbers from it and felt my blood also run arid as dust.

Then it was really the dog days, and that’s when the Terrible rocked beach city, and I looked around and there was one area my life wasn’t plugged in at all which even though I thought it was creativity, it was actually L O V E.

So then that changed, too, and it’s the kind that bottle rocketed everything and made me question everything, all at once.

So imagine my surprise, when here you are, and I am able to hold me, hold him, and still return to you.

And here you are, here you’ve always been.  And my greatest fear that a he would take you is upended, bc somehow when here I am November again and wake grog-hearted tumble from bed… to you laying there on my desk both of us knowing it will always be You who first slakes even a thirst incredible as t/ his wakened in my heart.

Which reminds me, 9 years ago my return to beach city they #usta call me thirsty thirty and those good, long TTO days in the sun.  (Will never be beach city nine five.)

10 years ago right now I am moving to Easton~

My first place all my own no roommates N O N E.  Easton where I put my bed in the living room so the  bedroom could host my desk, my books, the sacred space where I Still Sit and yes

You, blank screen.  How long, how consistently me and you’ve always, always been hanging around.

and how she was there, with you

It was your smile.  That’s what did it.  People say that but fuuuck across the diner from me and  for just one second I see you all 1995.  The goldenest days of my inner sun.  It was so small the #backthen glimpse of you.  I really saw it though, and saw the you you see in me.  It wrecked me.  It took my breath.

Your voice would change that first week we were talking, from now you to back then  #BeachKid #PierRat.  The change it was like scent.

It was like something I had to finish feeling out, sniffing, onto something, some cure.  It’s true how cute were we??  Like my mom said, holding hands in the driveway the very first second.  I knew then.  I knew because of the vault at the back of my heart and who’s behind it the me called kadadab and how she was there, with you a hot second at the diner, all happy you saw her, too.

There is a difference for me between loving someone and falling in love. With you, right away.  I fell.  

I had been running from parts of myself from long ago that I didn’t want to see and I wouldn’t let anyone in my heart because of it.  It’s wild, I remember at sap rising time this yr I found three dead geese on the beaches three separate times.  Birds speak to me that is my first medicine. So then, when I had reiki, and finally cried about my sponsor being gone I had this Grandmother Mist come to me in trance.  She held all my grief, I knew this when I saw her.  All the uncried tears I thought I’d hid.  Just recently she returned, at the end of harvest season, and changed into Grandmother Spider. Grandmother Spider led me, journeys towards Avalon with Shaman Bob.

It wasn’t long after the birds and when the Grandmother first came to me back in February that my own therapist and I started unpacking my myths.  The things that happened when I was a teenager and the stories about me that they made me still believe.

All this, and my dad this year?  And how I think like a man.  Alpha as FUCK.

What that must mean for you, poor man 🙂

I want to let go completely and have times where I am 100% ok with 100% not being in control.  I want to someday fall easily into doing that whenever it’s right to with you.

And the arc of my heart when I am falling in love.  You take me that first day in the diner up like a roller coaster.  Like the best one at beach city how you get taken up and all for one sec you can look out over the whole of the inlet and feel the wild island behind you and see the town all laid out ahead…the white thumb press of the tides beating and spread out forever which of course the ocean is somehow forever…we all know this…and it’s our home.  Falling in love with you first was like this, an upward arc in my heart, and being held up there with grand vision and feeling you suspended in air my breath all stopped and time stopped too, all at once.

The night before the diner I was camping.  Listening to the fire and the rain and the thunder, the drip and drops of the forest.  The river wind, and the mama the Great mama the Bay, listening and letting it all soothe me.  And her singing soft and calm and telling me you will sooth his heart and help him be soft and he will sing you into new life and too the fresh clean dawn air at sunrise.  Whispering go go let yourself love him it is what you both need.

And then our love dropped, and back in beach city the roller coast steals your breath  simultaneously and would always make me laugh that high chested hysterical laugh while pitching me towards the loop de loop, which is the circus that it’s been for us these first three months.  Which I take my own credit for where I need to, for my moons not the in the sky one but my personal ones.  My over sensitivity, which looks emotional where yours, like such a man, only looks like anger the only emotion society has ever allowed you men to feel.  I am hypercritical I want to change every last thing about you I realize it and know I am a crazy bitch and it’s ok to me bc so what, I really am.  All that shit and somehow you make me laugh.  And super want you, which happened fast and is bigger than me and such a hot, good fucking thing.

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I don’t know what will be with us which is something that has never, never stopped me. And also, sometimes when I don’t mean to I dream of it, a future with you will come into such full vision it’s crystal clear and my god it feels good.  So it’s enjoyable to me to believe in that when it’s near.

Otherwise for now I want to love each other and be kind.  And try and have as much fun as we can while we keep learning about this ride, and also what sorta rider the other really is and will turn out to be.