this doesn’t change a thing


Writing to write feels good, thankful for this.  My little outlets, little corners of privacy all my own.  Back of an alcove used to be a cave some time ago I must’ve lived a thousand years back, my herbs drying in the eaves beneath twig rafters of private shelter built into back of an earthen dome.  I told vern i will put a garden in your back and by the end of the summer you will believe in fairies too.  We stood for ten minutes not talking much just mesmerized by the magic hour light in the tall pines.  Me part gnomey hedge witch part tinker bell who lives just up from you on hobbit lane~

I am so tired.  I love a man who lives 3000 miles away.  I didn’t think I loved him and pushed him away for three weeks actually telling him for us it was done.  He said when I did it this doesn’t change a thing.  I couldn’t not think I’d made a mistake so finally i reached back out and then i guess it was four or five days after that, right in the middle of the day not thinking at all about him, actually sitting w a friend, right there in the middle of nothing related I realized I loved him.  It was just all through my body every doubt and uncertainty gone.  I did not hesitate to tell him.  It is the first man I have loved in 10 years other than Josh.  He loves me too and it is weird for us if I have to guess, for me for sure and him too, to know what to do.  He said come to me. It is good timing to love him and not be able to go to him, it being tax time and getting my papers right as I can with my non-profit.  I throw myself into the days I don’t hear from him and have to pretend in my heart it doesn’t matter and boy do I get my numbers and dry paper shit     D O N E.  It feels good, feels somehow life giving, to switch lanes like that and be able to come back knowing I don’t have to hide or defend my feelings or figure them out, just be and back burner us for a bit, til we find each other again, and it rolls ever on.

He will come to me later I know this, but family is his priority now and in the meantime he has time to finish school.  I respect both of these things.  I do not know if he will come to stay.  I think the fact I love him is important enough to consider compromising how to make it work because in 10 years love does not happen easy, not if you’re busy living, and getting after life how I do.

It is good to have days off, next week I’ll travel down the Shenandoah on that Appalachian line that is back bone of the east and home to me.  I love that part of the country and more am eager for where I’ll land when I’m done, even though those mountains, the smokies–other side of them driving in frenzy zig zag is what got me feeling the tug w e s s s t across all of Tennessee…that was 2011, how I drove and drove and left the smokies behind and that dirt at the edge of the Mississippi river timeless and liquid and immobile and me running hard driving hard not knowing where i’d sleep that night, the dirt in the orange of the dirty dirty terrible mug of the Tennessee sky.  My brother and his lady were just married and lived there in nashville, they’d just moved before I’d left to go on the road, and I wanted to go stay awhile with him, stay and love his wife, really love her before I left and she was first pregnant at that time, too.  We talked about me staying there with them, this was before they broke up of course and the heart slaughter that so often equates d   i   v   o   r    c  e, and sometimes i wish more than i know that i’d had that chance, by the time i was home it was too late, they were done but didn’t know it yet but you could feel it to be with them, and it was hard to see over or through the walls between us all by then, too

So somehow maybe i knew all that even back then and i ran, and fast as i could i went until it was big, past nebraska and arkansas i ran, with heat stroke from running through both, until finally it was texas big

The sky i mean, which the first time you see it that bigness is like a taste of the sky, if you could i’m saying–like taste the sky–it tastes like the lightest hint of sweet sweet lightest cream, but a big pie slice of it, that taste, because it’s everywhere, all you see

I miss things and the way they used to be, and also, this is the sacred center of mist dream, the part where what was is no longer and what is yet is still yet to be

Vern takes me to town to drop my clothes off at the thrift store.  It’s in a part of downtown where magic still runs down the boards, it showed up for half a beat, i thought to film it, i’d only film it and send it to him i thought further, which i didn’t want to do, then it was gone.  Instead in the thrift store the synchronicity is stronger than any I’ve had, and I know I must quiet myself, I must pray.

And my life, dear god my precious life, I will go wonder over and wander a minute, silent and quiet and seeing what I can see

and when I return I will do more work, because when it is that you hit a stride in life where what you love is what you do it is not work it is showing up each day to see what life paints out there on the artist’s line.  And I will travel more, and i am eager to see what that means, where i will go

That said I have a finish line I am determined to hit. Sometimes it is ribbony and wistful, waving in the wind.

And sometimes like now I can’t see where it is.  So I’ll travel on and trust instead in what’s to come?